Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
