i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She needs sedatives and a leash
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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