I accidentally had phone sex last night
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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