Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
