So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
