This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just want nice things and good sex
whose parrot is this?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
