bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
