Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize