...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Text me some of your sweat
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
