woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
