I just cut my nipple shaving
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
