Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
