If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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