Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
