Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
