This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
