I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
