when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
