I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize