1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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