I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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