Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
