I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
