my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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