anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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