its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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