I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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