There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
