she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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