just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
