the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
