the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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