Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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