I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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