I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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