Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
