Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
