Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
