SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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