Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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