so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
