If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
