Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
