Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
