What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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