Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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