We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
