I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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