I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
