you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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