By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize