...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
