thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
