He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
