so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
