Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
