You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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