He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
