the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
