in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
how does that bad decision feel?
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