im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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