woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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